This post is being written on the fly, and quite necessary. It’s my “poem-to-write-down-before-I-forget-all-the-words” moment.
I figured out my biggest lesson from my forty days of Lent.
I have to learn to trust God and others, and let love have its place.
I get we’re all a bit different. There are some things we do or desire that others may disagree with or agree with. But we’re different. People differ, and the minute you recognize that and accept it, you gain a certain appreciation of those around you.
I didn’t let love be what it should be. I didn’t give it the value it deserved. I didn’t let it embody me and make me stronger. I let the fear of it make me weaker, and it weakened my heart in my relationship. I fell in love with someone who I know loves (or loved) me more than anything in this world. But the more we fell in, the more my fear grew. It became high stakes, and I folded.
I have this thing where I can’t let people have outright control. It’s not a power complex, but more a security complex. I feel more secure knowing the control is in my hands. So when love sort of yanked control from me, I felt afraid. I regained control, and I drove the car off the side of the road, you could say. I let someone who I love dearly go. Not because I didn’t love her or care about her. It was because I didn’t know what I was doing, I was afraid love could lead me to something greater.
This feeling stems from my biggest fear, which is abandonment. I fear the people closest to me will abandon me, and leave me with nothing. I’m afraid to let people have that power in my life, the sword that wields my secrets and my fears and my emotions. The key to who I am, you know? As I get closer to someone, I’m afraid I’ll be left behind. That fear gets the best of me at times, and as such, I take control to prevent it from happening. Yet, this time, by taking control, I let what I wanted to stop, happen. I abandoned someone else, and in reality, I abandoned myself. And it’s created the biggest void in my life now. I made a big mistake.
And the thing about it is, God led me here, and I shied away, like I always seem to do when the spotlight is on me. I ran from my plans. I made a table and refused to eat at it, despite the lay of the food. I FUCKED UP.
So I figured it out. I can’t run anymore from anyone. Can’t run from my beliefs. I have to listen, and pay attention. I have to let the leading themes in my life have their place.
So don’t run from love. Don’t run from the plan. No matter how things may look from the outset, work hard and make things better. Fight for what is yours, and care about it. Show discipline and dedication, and show that you desire it. And have it.
So go love your other. Love yourself. Learn the lesson.
Lift your head and look out the window Stay that way for the rest of the day and watch the time go Listen! The birds sing! Listen! The bells ring! All the living are dead, and the dead are all living The war is over and we are beginning…