…occurred today while I was in studio. An older friend of mine had a long conversation about relationships, and a lot hit me.
He told me about his current feelings in his life (I won’t divulge his business via Tumblr, not my place) and how he felt held back, and how people were trying to change him. He told me he was giving up, after trying so hard to keep things going well and fix what was broken. And then words came from my mouth that I never expected:
"You have to follow your heart. It’s easy to make a bad decision because a bad decision is an easy decision. But following your heart is a good decision, and it’s the hardest thing to do because our heart tells us things we sometimes don’t want to believe or do. It kills us to make those crucial decisions that, in the end, are better for us."
And then, I thought about what he said, and what came from my heart at that moment. I realized that my heart has said a lot to me over the course of my life, and how I never followed it a lot of the time. I thought about my relationship and how things changed, and when the true change occurred. I reflected on it all, and I couldn’t help but feel as though where it ended isn’t the end. The one important thing that never happened between her and I was changing the other person. We never wanted to change the other person, though we encouraged each other to grow. Maybe I just didn’t understand. We maintained a certain comfort level that parallels to nothing. And I don’t know if someone will be able to match that.
I admit I’ve made many mistakes. I’m not perfect. I tend to be immature at times. I’m lazy and irresponsible when I know I shouldn’t be. I have the greatest potential in the world, but I’m nervous to tap into it. I’m afraid to be seen for who I am a lot of the time. I have a lot of love in my heart and I get hurt because of such. I’m human. But I’m one of the best people any person will meet (and that can be vouched for). I care about a lot of people. I’m genuine. But most of all, I’m a real human being. I’m flawed. And it’s okay.
I don’t know where the direction of this post was going, to be honest. I don’t know what’s going on except what’s happening in my head. I’ve truthfully been thinking about my decision a lot as of late. I wonder if I’m thought about, and I immediately nix it. I still care, I still love, and I still desire…I just don’t know if it’s healthy or meant to happen.
I have no choice but to step out on a limb and take the chances in front of me.
So I take this singular moment in my life to write out what I feel, not to look for attention, but to pass the thoughts off of my own shoulders and keep moving.
I gave my best friend up this week. I let go of one of the better people in my life. Not because it was easy, or something I wanted to do, but because it was necessary. The cycle had to be broken. We couldn’t continue to be in and out of a relationship. Maybe it wasn’t meant to be (as much as I wanted it to be). I miss her, though. It’s hard to let go of that one person who you’ve been with so long, and been through so much with. She really stuck with me through heaven and hell. In my heart, I felt like we could make it through anything…but maybe it was the distance. Being almost 9 hours away can be a struggle, even if you talk to her every day. It made things hard, and well, I guess I didn’t work hard enough. I had my own issues and growing up I had to do, and sometimes, people aren’t made for that kind of situation. (Side note: I had the worst dream last night. I imagined she hooked up with one of my role model’s [Jeff Staple] workers, and he flew her around the world [specifically the UK] and she got a tattoo and blah blah blah. Point being, it felt like a nightmare.) I’m a little damaged, but I’ll be alright. Who knows what the future holds? Maybe things will change. Maybe my desires will come to fruition. Only God knows.
I do know that I need a personal hiatus from the dating realm. No hooking up or anything. I don’t need any loose ends in my life. I’m tying up all the ends and only starting what I plan to finish. So no pointless hookups or anything. I need consistency in my life on my part before I can expect it elsewhere.
It also has recently hit me that all of my self-analyzation is frivolous. I have it figured out (for the most part), and I always have. I just haven’t acted on it. I have a set purpose by my Maker, and I’ve just been ignoring the call. I’ve been afraid. But I have to listen, I have to grow up. I have to be myself, and not let the world dictate what it may. I’ve spent a good part of my life hiding behind a lot because of the fact people didn’t like me. But now I just don’t care. Yeah, I may have my moments when the world’s words may change my sight, but I’m smart. All I can do is be me and continue to move. Love unconditionally, pray and meditate, read more, listen more, and let the awesomeness flow.
Sometimes the things that we don’t want to happen are the most necessary.
And that’s life’s biggest lesson: learning to be free and be okay. You have to hear those voices inside of you, the spirit leading you, and you have to follow it, no matter how much you run from it. Love what you love and be okay.
“No, we weren’t lovers, but in a way we had opened ourselves to each other even more deeply than lovers do. The thought caused me a good deal of grief. What a terrible thing it is to wound someone you really care for - and to do it so unconsciously.”—Haruki Murakami, Norwegian Wood (via soul-surfer)