Imagine a large warehouse. A few cargo boxes, a lot of assorted incomplete things: cars, planes, models, transcripts. A few blueprints and schematics. “Take Five” by the Dave Brubeck Quartet is playing in the background.
I feel like I’m ready to push on and create and do something great.
No amount of words and explanation can demonstrate what I feel I can do.
I’m beginning to surround myself with inspiring people, and I’m doing things to encourage myself to be great. I’ve spent too long hampering myself and changing who I am because of what people don’t like. Forget that. I’m me. And I’m different. I don’t see what everyone sees, and that’s okay.
Not necessarily break myself down to the point of changing my whole persona, but ridding myself of unnecessary excess.
I want to deactivate my Facebook and Twitter.
I want to reconstruct an active shelf of books I read.
I also want to travel even more. Go more places and bring souvenirs to my loved ones.
I also want to learn how to love those around me better. A lot of people don’t get the care they deserve from me. I’ve learned how to love myself better, and now it’s time to learn how to love those I care about better than ever.
I’m going to take some chances now. I think it’s time I learn to fly.
I’m realizing I’m very self-analytical and I think about everything a lot. For every second I walk, I have about five thoughts that pas through my head. For every short amount of time spent doing anything, I have very random thoughts, most of which are about anything. I get very mood swingy while this happens, too.
I feel like everything is converging at one point. Argh, I don’t like this.
I only get to talk to the one person who really understands once a week now. I realize I depended on her more than I thought, because now I feel a bit lost, and my anxiety is growing. I can’t relax right now.
What is going on with me? What’s happening? Why do I feel so stressed all of a sudden?
Where are my friends?
What the fuck am I doing right now? Why am I freaking out? Why do I care?
“In other words to be fully awake to everything about you & the more you learn the more you can appreciate & get a full measure of joy & happiness out of life.”—LeRoy Pollock, to his son Jackson Pollock, 1928, American Letters: Jackson Pollock & Family