That feeling of self-entitlement to our own worth, where we wish we had that commanding self value that makes others marvel?
The feeling where the words we carry and release into the wild jungles of conversations, in big and small circles, from the darkest cove to the biggest party, meant something? I feel like people feel obligated to converse with people out of politeness, or to make them feel better about hearing their own words travel to the lands of another person’s brain. But where’s the substance? Where’s a coherent conversation being carried…? Where’s the conversation that makes us laugh, makes us think, conversation that forces us to drop our comfort zones and venture out into uncharted territory?
I grow weary of the same conversations, ones that entail lowering our competency to feel as though we belong. It’s always “fuck this, fuck that” or “I don’t believe…” or “I hate…”. Why do you hate something so much? Why devote the energy? People want to discuss what they hate and dislike all the time. I’m guilty. But where’s the “Well, I enjoy…” or “Have you seen ____? It’s great”. Break free of the complaints. Surrounding myself with complaints makes me complain.
I just would like to say something and have it mean something too, though. Don’t discount words. Listen, analyze, and feel.
On one hand…it’s a happy thing. Another year achieved, another year of blessings beyond comparison.
But on the other hand, lies the fact that I’m no longer a teenager. I’m closer to feeling the real world’s breath down my neck. College will be over soon.
I just feel like…I’m afraid to grow. Weird to say that…but I feel it. I’m happy where I am, I feel good being nineteen. And twenty is inevitable…I just need to accept it and grow.
Maybe I’m afraid of losing myself in another age. Maybe I fear losing the charisma, the fading and elusive creativity that used to run through my veins. I just want to stay free.
Maybe my issue is I lock myself up before I can run without the shackles of thoughts. Twenty isn’t as bad as I make it seem. I’m just afraid to grow into the person I’ll become in the future. This transition period from teenager to young adult. It’s a rough feeling. Some days I feel unprepared and overwhelmed.
I’ve been thinking about this more and more as the day bears down. And I never think of my birthday as a bad day. But it feels weird. Saying I’m twenty. Perhaps…
Perhaps I should stop trying to outrun my shadow, and just embrace the person I am.
Until then, I find time to occupy myself with various scattered activities.
I spent majority of my day watching movies with my girlfriend. And eating. And exercising.
We watched Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind (which has creeped into my top 5 movies of all time, Science of Sleep being my #1), Pirate Radio (which is a movie I’ve seen multiple times, and love it), Get Him To The Greek (which was quite funny), and Scott Pilgrim vs. The World (I MUST GET THIS ON DVD). The graphic overlays and visuals used in Scott Pilgrim really excited me. I loved the video game vibe. The shooting style of Eternal Sunshine reminded me of the Science of Sleep, and I found the story pretty cool.
I find myself enjoying time spent with her more and more. I’m happier than I’ve been in years. YEARS. Between the play fighting and the quiet moments and the falling asleep with each other, it just puts me in a good mood. I really care for and about this person.
Who knows what tomorrow holds, though? I don’t. But I’m feeling good and ready for tomorrow.
Back to my current Death Cab for Cutie session. I’m enjoying the new record. A lot more instrumental, a lot less poppy. It doesn’t have that one ‘song’ that they normally have on every album. But I like that. Shows they’re getting back to their indie-ish roots.